he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
