Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
