my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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