did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize