He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
