i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
