ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
