my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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