Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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