im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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