Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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