it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
