And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
