I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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