he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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