I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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