Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
