Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
