my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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