She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
