They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
