her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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