You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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