I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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