you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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