I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
