My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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