Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
