Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
