well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
what day is it and did you see me today?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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