considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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