Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
