My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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