We won't sleep together?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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