I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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