1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle