just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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