I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
