Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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