Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
then he tried to convert me to islam
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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