apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
