If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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