Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
