ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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