Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
