this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
