She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
