my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
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She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
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