my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
