I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
