mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
