Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
