some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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