apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
