Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
