I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
