Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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